the decision


Still in bed, the future lying in front of me like a big black empty slate. There was thinking to do but all I seemed to do was, think. Managing to overcome a fear that you have had all your life, is a great achievement. Try learning to live with it, as your only option!

So what if it is the fear of life itself?

Someone once said to me, that everyone, during the course of their existence, will need to make at least one life changing decision. I have made quite a few, but never as big as this one.
The decision was mine, I could walk away from it all, even if it did seem cowardly at my age, making a life changing decision in the wrong direction.

My head ached.

Reluctantly I turned and faced it. I was afraid, cringing at the thought of going out there. But it had to be done. Across the room the window framed a picture of the world outside. It was a stage setting, and I squinted into the bright light. The sky closed the exits on all sides.

The sunshine looked artificial, and there were rose bushes with new summer buds near the window. A neat hedge separated a small lawn from the pavement alongside a narrow road, where a car droned by. My eyes darted back to the bedroom door, where the long leather coat hung; two strides from the front door. Sounds from outside struggled to penetrate the high pitched buzz in my head, always there now; only absent if I slept, when I slept.

I wasn’t sure if I slept.

She wouldn’t understand immediately, because we had always made decisions together. The hardest thing was not being able to tell her, we shared everything.

But it was done.

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